Hurricane Preparedness Edition!!

Irene. Like other crazy bitches before her: How could
something so beautiful be so cruel?

So it's coming.  It's unavoidable and it's gunna be ugly.  Our vacation plans have been delayed.  Hospitals are being evacuated.  And Stop and Shop is completely out of chocolate almond milk. 

I've been  totally obsessing thinking about Sunday...and what scares me is not the 120 mph winds or 800 inches of rain.  I'm not even all that worried about the near certainty of my basement flooding with several feet of water.  No no...what terrifies me the most is trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do all day!

So as a result of my near panic attack, I've decided to take a xanax put together a short To Do list for Sunday.  It will help me feel in control organize my day and MAYBE be slightly productive too.  I also realize that many of you will be also freaking the f*ck out  in a similar predicament.  So, I thought, why not share my list and perhaps give ideas to others in need?  And what's even better?  These can all be done in the event of a power outage ('cause otherwise we'll just watch TV all day...).

So here is Mimi's Hurricane Irene To Do List:

1.  Move entire contents of basement into the dining room:   What do you do when you are a renting a house at the very bottom of a flood plain and you have no flood insurance?  You put your lawn mower in the dining room.  Also, your extra deck furniture, your bikes, your old TV, and that creepy old dollhouse your neighbors gave you (You know, the one that you kept in the basement because you were pretty sure there were tiny little ghosts living in it.).  Then you let your kids pretend the dining room is a pirate ship.

2.  Write those thank you notes we've been procrastinating:   It's almost not worth getting gifts for fear of having MORE thank you notes to write.  Alas, we must find something nice to say about every gift....even that weird doll that pees in a diaper and speaks Arabic.

3.  Clean out the closets: I'm seriously dying to figure out what happened to my navy blue maxi dress.  I know it's around here somewhere.  Also , last time we cleaned out the closets I found savings bonds from my husband's bar mitzva.  Score!

4.  Pluck eyebrows:  Always a favorite.  Kills at least 30 minutes.  Might be tricky in the dark.

5. Hand wash delicates:  We all have that one bra that we love.  We should hand wash it but we don't have time and we're scared to put in the washing machine for fear will never be the same. So it just sits in the drawer...or maybe it still gets worn even though it's kinda dirty and we feel a little wrong about it but it is so comfortable that we do it anyway. You know that one?  It's time to wash it. "Little House" style.

6.   Read the last 5 issues of the Economist:  I subscribe because it makes me feel smart but I don't always read it.  I TOTALLY always plan on reading it but it's like way dense.  So this is my big chance to catch up, right?  Right.  But then again, we'll be in a state of emergency so... I'll probably just read People. 

7.  Play with kids (or borrow your neighbors!):  Hurricanes and blizzards are a great time to bond with children.  It's an opportunity for uninterrupted, unplugged, old fashioned playing.  You can play dress up (you'll be the evil queen or the ugly octopus monster), board games (watch out, they cheat) or do puzzles (don't feel dumb - they are harder than I remember too).  Just keep feeding them snacks.  They get kinda mean when they are hungry.

Well, that's all I got for now.  We are going to run to Home Depot and fight all the other crazies and buy  12 flashlights and 700 AA batteries.  

Good luck everyone!  Stay dry!

Peace out, Summer 2011. It's been real, yo.

Tomorrow we leave for our end-of-summer family vacation to Cape Cod.  (Yes, sometimes Jewish-Italian-American families go to Cape Cod.  And, no, I did not buy pleated khaki shorts for the occasion.).   We rented a super cute little condo where we hope to hit the beach, do some biking, enjoy family bonding, and perhaps bask in the aftermath of hurricane Irene (Bite me, weather gods.).

So since it will be September when I return from our wet and wild adventure, and since I've already mourned the end of another fabu season of So You Think You Can Dance, I thought I would leave y'all with some parting words to bid adieu to Summer 2011.    After all, it's been pretty action packed - a debt crisis, a Kardashian wedding, birthday bonanzas, biblical floods, an earthquake, and possibly the most excruciating season of The Bachelorette ever.

So in honor of this epic summer, I've put together...



I just might miss you the most, SYTYCD!

A Short List of What I'll Miss and What I Won't Miss about Summer 2011

What I'll miss:  Feeling the warm sun enliven my soul.
What I won't miss:  The fighting, screaming, agonizing battles to get sunscreen on my kids.  You'd think it was made from acid and/or troll vomit. 

What I'll miss:  Sitting outside in the early morning, on the deck, writing this blog.
What I won't miss:  Watching squirrels piss on my garbage cans. 

What I'll miss:  Sitting outside on a warm night, on the deck, writing this blog.
What I won't miss:   Waving my arms like a lunatic to turn the outdoor light sensor back on.  It causes cramping.  Also, one time when the light was off, I drank a fly with my wine.

What I'll miss:  My summer improv class.
What I won't miss:  Having to think so quickly on my feet. It's quite tiring.  Also, if I get stuck in another bad doctor/nurse hospital scene I might scream. 
Me: "I'm sorry, Doctor. We lost him."
Him: "No. Hold on a sec...he's NOT dead"   (Wait. What??)
Me: "Oh he's NOT dead?  Oh, okay.  Ummm. Good."  (awkward pause)
Him: "Nurse, pass me the scalpel. We can save him." 
Me: (Seriously? I just said he was dead!)  "Here's the scalpel, doctor..."

What I'll miss: An excuse to eat ice cream!
What I won't miss: The laws of thermodynamics: "Mommy! Make my ice cream UNMELTED!" 

What I'll miss: Long lazy days at the pool.
What I won't miss: The magnetic pull of the snack bar and my kids' insatiable desire to buy something deep fried.   Hey snack bar lady, would it kill you to sell a fruit cup?

What I'll miss:  Fun neighborhood barbecues.
What I won't miss: My paralyzing fear of undercooked chicken.

What I'll miss: Having my sweet, wonderful, smart children home with me for so many many many hours of quality time and nurturing attention during these weeks between camp and school.
What I won't miss: Having my sweet, wonderful, smart children home with me for so many many many hours of quality time and nurturing attention during these weeks between camp and school.


See you in September, everyone!!!

Xoxoxoxo.

Ode to Trader Joe's

I really don’t think
There ever could be
Another supermarket
as fine as thee.

Your produce is fresh.
Your snack food, the best
My will power, it seems,
Cannot stand the test.

I go with a list -
Three items, or four.
And always come out
With way, way much more.

Try some risotto, you say.
Why not? Sure. Okay.
Wow.  My gosh. 
That is good.
I could make this someday
(though likely I'll buy it
and forget it 'till May).

And so it goes,
Aisle, by aisle.
The options keep going
mile by mile.
The cookies, the nuts,
the ice cream, the cheese.
Oh mommy, oh mommy!
Can we have this... PLEASE?

So I fill up my cart.
And their little ones too.
You really do make it
So easy to do.

Twelve fuits bars,
Four peppers, bananas
And more.
My kids like two banshees
Around the whole store.

One might feel bad
For the mess that we make
If it wasn’t so clear
It’s a risk that you take.

You make it inviting.
You want us to come.
So we go when we’re bored.
(We all know you’re not dumb.)

By the time it’s all through,
I’m not sure what to do.
I’ve spent too much money
And calories too.

But my kids have had fun
So I feel like I won.
‘Cause it gave us an outing
When we might have had none.

Thank you, Trader Joe's!

Pizza, cupcakes and a (harmless) buzz.

One of my favorite and most fabulous friends, we'll call her Lynn, hosted a birthday party for her 4-year old on Friday evening at 5pm.   And guess what?  There were cocktails!

Yes.  My BRILLIANT friend served wine, beer and hors d'oeuvres at her 4-year old daughter's birthday party.  The kids made pizzas and cupcakes and all the parents got totally buzzed (when I say "all," I mean me and few others who shall remain fakenameless).  

It started out innocent enough with the typical kid chasing-each-other-and-banging-into-everything-and-screaming nonsense.  We were all frazzled.  Don't touch that!  Put that down!  Those presents aren't yours!  Do you have to pee?  I can tell that you do!   HEY!  GET AWAY FROM THAT OVEN! 

She was less scary in person.

Then Julia, the party lady, comes.  Like a fairy godmother sent from heaven (in heaven there is always someone to take your kids to make cupcakes when you are about to lose it), she swoops in with a metaphorical wave of her wand.  She lines them up.  She walks them into the other room.  She closes the door.

We exhale.

Now you might have guessed by the title of this blog that I depend on enjoy an occasional glass of wine. And it just so happens that I'd had one of those years days that can make you want to audition for reality TV drink.  So, I thought to myself (how clichè), what the heck? I'll have one glass of wine, some prosciutto with melon, and just unwind a bit.

Oops.


It's not like James Bond would 
have been there anyway...

That the perfectly chilled bottle of Pinot Grigio didn't stand a chance.

Before I know it I've had three glasses of wine, NO prosciutto with melon, and I'm desperately trying to get invited to that evening's "dads only" poker night.  Yes, I'm serious. I really tried.  

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't making a complete fool of myself the only one being a bit silly.  Girlboyfriend, the drinks were flowing as fast as the juicy gossip.  For real (snap, snap).  We were standing around, drinking and eating and drinking, and wondering why NO ONE had thought of this before (if someone out there had already thought of this and didn't tell me I'm gunna be right pissed.).  Of course, we always enjoy pleasantries over ice cream cake and pizza.  But, let me tell you, the pleasantries are MUCH more interesting after a few glasses of wine.

Public Service Announcement:  Have a designated driver.  Mine walked there from the train station (thanks, honey!).

So thank you, Lynn.  Everyone had a really great time on Friday.  Yes, I know what some of you are  thinking....maybe we had a little too much fun?  Perhaps. But, you know what?  We all work hard - really damn hard.  Parents or not, we give and give and every once and a while it is liberating to live with just a smidge of reckless abandon...even just for an hour while the kids decorate cupcakes.

Now I know not everyone has a friend as fabu as Lynn.  But, fear not.  There are plenty of other things you can do when when you feel like you've given all that you can and you just need a bit of a buzz.  Perhaps try one of these suggestions on for size:

• Run out and buy those sexy shoes you saw at Bloomies (Or if you wait until October they might be on sale).
• Plan a spontaneous weekend away with your spouse or best bud (Just make sure you can line up a babysitter and/or have someone watch the cat).



Is this guy really looking at his watch? 
Buzz kill, dude.  

• Go f-ing skydiving! (Are life insurance payments current? Have you updated your will?)
• Call that ex-girlboyfriend you've been thinking about (Single readers only. I'm serious. Put down the phone.).
• Get a trampoline in the backyard (Please double check that you actually put it together properly).
• Go platinum blond (Just don't try to do it yourself. It never ends well.).
• Buy that iPad already (They are really super cool, but do you really need the 3G version?)
• Get a little drunk at a party (or if you're with your boss, just have one glass of wine and some cheese).

Please don't forget to call me and let me know how it goes!  Heck, I might even join you if I don't have to work, go food shopping, do laundry, pay bills, drive a carpool, make dinner, take a conference call, clean the kitchen, or plan a birthday party.

Happy Tuesday!

-Mimi

Working hard or hardly working?

This week my kids had pajama day at camp. At first I was pretty jealous.  These damn kids get all the fun!  Wouldn't it be nice if adults could just roll out of bed and spend a whole day in pjs at work?  And wouldn't it be totally great to see what people slept in?!  Who's a flannel?  Who's a silk? cotton? skimpy? modest? pajama jeans? leopard print? (FYI, boys, most girls wear flannel when you're not looking).  


I wasn't making it up! These are f-ing real!

So I'm standing in the kitchen packing lunches and enjoying a detailed fantasy about a day at the office with imaginary sexy co-workers in boxers or briefs when it suddenly dawns on me. I work from home...sigh...and every day is friggin' pajama day...sigh.  And no one really cares whether they are flannel or silk or look like denim.  Double sigh.

Yes, I work from home.  I know, I know, I have it "so good." Some people spend their entire lives commuting in and out of metropolitan areas and can only dream about what a luxury it would be to work from home with their feet up on the coffee table and maybe watch The View during conference calls and even sneak a nap here or there.  Sounds totally fabu, right?

But for a girl like me who thrives on attention collaboration and loves to gossip connect with co-workers, working from home has been nothing short of a complete nightmare challenge.

Disclaimer:  I love my job and I work hard at my job and I NEVER watch The View.  (My friend Betty, the employment lawyer, told me I needed to say that).

But, sometimes the isolation can really get to me.  And sometimes I just need someone to talk to...someone besides the cleaning lady, that is.

Yes, I admit that I hire a cleaning lady.  Not every day or even every week, but a very modest once-every-other-week cleaning lady.  And secretly (shhhhhhhh...) I REALLY look forward to those days when I have someone else in the house with me for like 5 hours.  Of course we can't really have deep, meaningful conversations.  And sometimes I try to make small talk and I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm hitting on her, but it's just nice to have human contact.  So...if you think there is even a possibility that you are EVER going to work from home and maybe have your own cute cleaning lady named Camila, run out right now and get a Rosetta Stone.  Do it.  Run.  ¡Ahora!

And while you are out shopping, here are a few more things you might want to pick up:

1. A good pair of binoculars:  working from home = neighborhood watch. 
2. A padlock:  Trust me. You'll want that Costco-sized box of goldfish behind lock and key.
3. A fancy Nespresso machine:  The Starbucks withdrawal can be really painful.
4. A drill sergeant:  Yeah, I know you can't buy one.  But I'd be wicked efficient if I had one. Bonus if he's cute.

See what I mean?  Look how much time I've spent procrastinating!  If I had someone threatening push-ups, I might have been budgeting instead of blogging.  Ah well...I hope you enjoyed the break.  Now get back to work.  Hasta luego, amigos.  Have a great week!

- Mimi

 

Guess who went to the JERSEY SHORE, Bitches?!?!

In case you weren't notified by facebook or birthday alarm or got an email from our office manager, last Friday was my birthday. I'm now twenty-nine...the big TWO-NINE.  One more year of my twenties.  Can you believe it?? 

Eh it's not worth lying. I'm thirty-three. That's like a real grown-up age. I'm a real grown up. When did that happen?

You might think having kids makes you automatically feel "grown up." But really it just makes you feel tired.  And when you're not tired, you are too busy playing candyland or eating left-over mac and cheese to feel much older than seven, maybe eight at best.

So, yes, I am thirty-three. I am starting to get wrinkles and yet I still get pimples. How is THAT fair, universe? Really. I'm dying to know.

And though I don't typically feel thirty-three, there are times that I realize that I am, most certainly, getting old. 

Take this weekend's trip to the beach.  I decided for my birthday I wanted a day at the beach.  We rarely go and it's been at least 10 years since my last trip to the "Jersey Shore,"  (Who out there remembers that super fun weekend in 1999??  I barely do).  Now that I am a NJ resident again, I decided it was time to check out some juice heads reacquaint myself with this popular summertime destination.  After all, kids love sand and shells and stuff.  And there is ice cream.

So we pack up and drive down to the beach for the day, with Toy Story on the DVD player Bon Jovi blasting on the radio and the wind blowing in my hair.  And I'm feeling pretty good... pretty excited about a day in the sun, listening to the waves crash on the shore, and reading the Economist Vogue and Cosmo.   And then we get there. And it takes me abooooooout 15 minutes to realize that I am totally an old fart. 

Let me break it down for you:

Not an actual self-portrait

1.  My Tankini:  It's sad but true.  Tankinis are totally "mom" bathing suits.  And while I might feel pretty cool walking around the local town pool in my "swanky" tankini, it's totally not a sexy look on the beach.  I blame Lands End and their 50% off sale for making me buy it.

2.  The contents of my cooler bag:  Wine coolers?  No.  Corona?  No.  Bud Light?  No.  Not even Dr. Pepper?  Nope.  I've got juice boxes, pretzel sticks, and cut-up apples (no skin).  WHO WANTS TO PARTY??

3. Those airplane banners are NOT targeted at me:  Instead of seeing  "2nite $3 hieny 4grlz 'til 11" I was hoping to find one that said "We bbsit $5 while u nap" or "Cute guyz haul ur crap 2 beach."  No dice, though.

4.  We sit strategically close to the bathroom:  I used to want to be near the water or the cute lifeguards.  Now the only thing that matters is being close to the bathroom so when someone (under 4 feet tall) yells "PEEEEEE PEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" we can make a mad dash across minimal scolding hot sand.

5. The SPF of my sunscreen: I use SPF 800 with 90% titanium dioxide and I don't care what you think.   Let those other bitches fry themselves with oil.  Do you think I care if my sunscreen gives my face that whitish silvery glow so popular with mimes and vampires?  Vampires are totally cool now, right?  And I can't afford any more wrinkles (not at least until my acne clears up, dammit).

Did you know eye candy has ZERO carbs?

6. The Conversations:  I love eaves dropping.  I just wish I could get the knack of listening without staring with my mouth wide open.  That usually gives me away.  But what is more entertaining than a group of  20-something guys (and their gorgeous six-pack abs) discussing the "crazy shit" that happened the night before?  Definitely not our discussion of the debt crisis.  Definitely not.

So there is my list, or at least the highlights.  In the end it was a great day.  And although I didn't recapture my youth or remember to put sunscreen on the back of my knees (DAMN that hurts), it was an awesome birthday trip to the beach.  The sun and the sand and the waves were invigorating and, who knows, maybe next year I'll get myself in a bikini....as long as Lands End has them on sale :-)

Thanks again to everyone for the birthday wishes!  I think it's going to be a great year. 

Xoxoxoxo
- Mimi