Thursday, September 8, 2011

Thanks but no tanks, Provincetown!

Well hello, everyone.  It’s been a busy couple of weeks since we last spoke.  A LOT has happened. There was that big hurricane and then we went on vacation and THEN we lived without phone or internet or TV for almost a whole week (gasp!).  I seriously think my brain has been on complete and total overload.  In fact, I'm just kind of writing this blog with no clear plan or agenda for what I'm going to say. Let’s see, let’s see, let’s see… what. to. dis. cuss...
Enjoying my post-Irene
lakefront view.
How about the seven feet of water in our backyard?  Nah… this blog is a comedy, not a tragedy. 
How I hugged the Verizon guy when he finally fixed my internet?  Hmmm...Best left out. It was uncomfortable for both of us. 

How our landlord told us to just hire "workers looking for odd jobs" to clean the post-flood mold in our basement?  That would be HILARIOUS (if it weren't true. ugh)
How I had the best vacation of my life and am so in love with my family?  Nope.  That would break Rule #2 and Rule #3 as outlined in my own manifesto.
How about my NEW bikini???  YES. Great idea!  Let’s start with that.
So...I did it.  I wore a bikini!  A real one.  No tanki part.  And it was kinda tiny too.
After my experience earlier in the summer (as recounted this post) I decided it was time to let my stomach see the light of day.  It had been about five years, one [GIANT] pregnancy and two kids since I last had the metaphorical balls to show my stomach on the beach.  It was time to go for it.  And trust me, ladies, there is no better place to break the bikini ice than Provincetown, MA!  Good ol’ Ptown, where the gay men aren’t lookin’, the lesbians don’t care and your husband is the only straight man on the beach. (FYI, that is not the official town slogan.)
Of course I had only packed my trusty tankinis.  I mean, I wasn't expecting to have such an epiphany about swimwear.  But Ptown really is THAT amazing.  It's beautiful.  It’s friendly.  It’s welcoming.  It’s colorful.  It is the kind of place that can make anyone feel instantly comfortable - with or without a bikini (homophobes excluded).  
So I went shopping.   The racks were pretty bare and I almost lost my motivation.  And then I found it. Way in the back of the store, crushed between a weird pink stomach-cut-out-one-piece-thing and a terrifying beach towel that looked something like this...

(Yes that is a hairy-chested man...and yes, he is holding his crotch...and yes, he is smiling at YOU.  Gay novelty towels are not for the faint of heart, people.)
It was last one on the rack.  It had palm trees and Hawaiian flowers on it, but who cares.  It fit (sorta).  And I bought it (on clearance).  And I wore it (in public).  
Take that, Jersey shore.
Seriously, it was a big step for me and something I never thought I’d ever EVER do again.  So how about a little virtual recognition from the crowd? (hold for applause)  Awww, shucks.  Thanks, guys.
As for the rest of the vacation...pure bliss.  The sea air transformed my kids into two perfect angels who listened well, ate well, slept well and FINALLY learned to pump their own legs on the swings (This is a huge score and will replace hours of annoying pushing time with an equal number of hours in playground phone-talking time - ring you soon, beotch!).  
It was a true vacation.  An escape.  A retreat. And I feel like one lucky lady, stretch marks and all.

'Till next year, Ptown!  Stay fabulous!