Mealtime Mayhem: A Play in One Act

I see here that you cut off crusts. Tsk tsk.

Few things inspire me to practice the art of zen parenting more than meal times.  The anxiety of feeding my kids is comparable to a job interview (or one of those dreams when you have to take an exam for a class that you didn't even know you registered for... everyone has those, right?).   You just don't know what kind of curve ball they are going to throw at you and you need be prepared for every scenario:

- How many condiments will my daughter want? Do I have them in stock?
- Will my son insist I peel a traditionally non-peeled food (example: hotdog!)?
- Do I have the "right" kind of grape juice?
- Will someone suddenly crave pineapple?
- Will they stage a full-on "no chicken soup" revolt?
- Will I have the strength to stand my ground and NOT give in???

Bread and cabbage! You don't know how
good you had it, lady.

It is so stressful sometimes that I actually find myself fantasizing about living in a world where we are so poor that all we have for dinner is boiled potatoes... Like it or not, you gotta eat it, kid.  Or starve.  Gosh, how simple and luxurious life would be!

Mom:  Dinner time, children!  (kids eagerly put away their one wooden toy and enter the kitchen)
Kids:  What's for dinner, mother?  (wide-eyed and smiling)
Mom:  Boiled potatoes, again. (shakes head disappointedly) Oh, children, how I wish we could afford something more interesting to offer you (lying through her teeth).
Kids:  Oh mother, we don't care.  We are so hungry and we are so grateful for these delicious boiled potatoes. (eat boiled potatoes, all of them.)
Mom:  Thank you for being the best children in the whole world (hugs children.  smiles to herself and thanks god for small miracles and for the dark chocolate-covered almonds that she's hidden in the old porridge pot for post-bedtime snack)

But, alas, this is just a fantasy.  And my kids are presented daily with well-balanced, wholesome meals...that they don't eat.  Ever.

To illustrate, I've prepared a short vignette of what often happens in my house at dinner:

(Opening scene:  Dad still at work.  Kids, both four years old, in the playroom.  Mom, feeling brain dead and exhausted after a long day, is about to prepare dinner.  She stands in front of fridge and waits for inspiration.  When none comes, she makes chicken, broccoli, and brown rice - simple, inoffensive, edible. )  

Mom:  Hey kids, two minute warning until dinner!
Girl and Boy:  NO WE ARE STILL PLAYING!!!
Mom:  I told you ten minutes ago that dinner was almost ready.  Now please clean up and wash your hands.
Girl:  Okay, mommy. (girl puts away toys. goes to wash hands.  mom rejoices in one small victory)
Boy:  No. (continues slaying imaginary pirates)
Girl:  (comes to table and sees plated food)  I don't want these foods.

F*ck you.

Mom:  Well, this is what I made.  And I know you like chicken, broccoli and rice.  I've seen you eat it.
Girl:  Well, I'm ONLY going to eat the rice.  I am NOT going to eat the chicken or the broccoli.
Mom:  Just sit down.  (to boy child) GET OVER HERE AND WASH YOUR HANDS.
Boy:  No.  I'm not hungry!  I want to watch TV! (he turns on the TV.  mom curses to herself.  prepares for blowout.)
Girl:  I WANT A CHEESE SANDWICH.

Mom:  (to girl) No. Sit. Eat.  (leaves dining room.  turns off TV.  boy child begins to cry. mom drags boy child into dining room.)
Girl:  (begins to cry)
Mom:  (to girl child) Why are YOU crying??????
Girl:  (sob sob) I. want. (sob) a. cheese. (sob) sandwich.
Mom:  Oh lord.  (boy child now in a fit of rage).  Well, I need to deal with your brother.  (conducts risk/reward analysis of negotiating with girl child.)  
Girl: (crying)
Boy: (crying)
Mom:  (decides reward>risk.) (to girl child) If you eat all of your broccoli and half of your chicken, I'll make you a cheese sandwich.
Girl:  NO chicken. Three broccoli. With mustard.  (boy still crying)
Mom:  Three bites of chicken and three broccoli. We're out of mustard. (sh*t. i knew i forgot something!).
Boy:  (screaming in mom's ear)  I'm not hungry!  (sobbing) I want to watch TV (sob sob sob sob sob...ad infinitum).
Mom:  (getting desperate. going deaf).  Four broccoli.  Two chicken?  BBQ sauce?
Girl:  Okay.  But, I want a cheese sandwich AND a cut up apple.  No skin.
Mom:  (shakes head disappointedly) Fine.

THE END.


Now... Wouldn't you dream about boiled potatoes too???